Bridge
by SlvrSoleAlchmst1
Summary: [Hinted shounen ai: Athrun x Kira] The horrific war is over, the constant battles ended. Kira has left, yet Athrun still has something to tell his best friend...


"_Kira, there's something I need to tell you."_

"_What is it, Athrun?"_

"_Well, it's just that…"_

"_Athrun?"_

"…_Nothing, Kira. It's nothing."_

Countless times, I've gone over that conversation in my head. You looked at me with those amethyst eyes, and you asked me what was on my mind. And I didn't tell you.

Now that you're gone, my chest tightens every time I think back to that time. They say to live for today, because you never know what will happen tomorrow. I didn't think anything like that could ever happen to me. To us. And yet you left without a word to anyone. You left without a word to me, and since then I've lived with the pain of regret burning somewhere deep inside, and it's haunting me.

I can't stop thinking about the gap between us. I imagine this bridge, a bridge arching through the empty space that connects the two of our souls. It's a bridge that can no longer be crossed.

It started after Lunar Prep school. I was sure I'd never see you again after that. There would be no more laughter or jokes, no more Kira. That's why the day I met you again on the battlefield, my heart almost collapsed. I was relieved to see you once more – alive and well – but I was plagued by the deaths of Rusty and Miguel. To see you involved with the filthy Naturals who annihilated them tore my heart in two. I wondered if you were truly involved with the Earth Forces. I prayed that if you were, I would never have to see you again.

Yet we met again. And again. And I pointed a gun at you, my best friend. Do you know how much it hurt? The pain I felt was immeasurable. I'd have done anything to get it to stop, anything short of surrendering. Why didn't you listen to me? Why couldn't you just abandon those Naturals and come with me? You stayed to protect your friends. You always were the loyal type.

That was when Lacus was captured. You brought her back. You gave me back the girl I cared about, but you denied me the thing I cared about most – you. And that was the last straw. I didn't want to hurt anymore. I decided it would be easier to gun you down than to accept the distance that was forced between us. But even after that I was tormented.

I wanted to know what you felt, _if _you even felt at all anymore. Somewhere deep down, I didn't believe that I was the only one wishing things didn't have to be the way they were. But I never knew for sure. I never knew if you were tortured like I was – if facing your best friend in battle was as much of a burden on you as it was on me.

Eventually I found out you hadn't forgotten what we'd had.

"Mr. Yamato still carries the little bird you gave him," Lacus told me, in that sweet, melodious voice. "He's named it Birdy, and it's such a funny sight to watch the two of them playing together. It seems he hasn't forgotten about you after all, Athrun."

I was so shocked. I almost didn't believe it. How was it that after all these years, and after all the recent battles we'd been through, that you still carried it with you? It was a warming thought, somewhere in the back of my mind.

Do you remember, Kira, when all that stood between us was the diamond mesh of a simple fence? One tiny obstacle, yet it held back everything we felt and locked it away beyond our reach. You told me that Birdy was a precious gift from a very precious friend. My voice caught in my throat, and I could barely muster the words to speak. There were so many things I'd wanted to tell you then, but circumstances would not allow it. I would have given the world to tell you how much I'd missed you.

After that, when I had the chance to think about it, I began to get angry. How was it that you treasured a machine, a mechanical reconstruction, more than you treasured me? It was just an illusion, the way you held on to that bird. There was a bridge. There still is. That bird is like an embodiment of our friendship from the past. You act as if the bird symbolizes me, and our present friendship, but that's a lie. It isn't like that. It isn't perfect anymore. If it were true, this bridge wouldn't be here.

There _is_ a bridge, Kira. Maybe it's because I took the life of one of your friends. You stole Nicol's innocent life away from him, but I forgave you. I couldn't stay mad at you. I cared about you too much. But perhaps you've been holding a grudge. Did he mean more to you than I did? I'll never know what it was, but even after we joined forces, it wasn't the same, and I don't think it ever will be. It was a miracle that we were brought together as allies, but it was all wrong.

I know we both tried. We tried, and that's all we could do. We worked together; we helped each other. We ended a _war_ together, Kira. But even though we did all those miraculous things, there was one thing we could never do, for reasons neither of us will ever understand. We couldn't rebuild what we'd lost. It was impossible to put back into place the pieces that had gone missing - the pieces of our hearts. Even though both of us were relieved to be once again on the same side, something had changed, and we would never get past it.

After the war ended, I began to think that maybe things would return to normal. Not a perfect normal where the two of us could go back to the way things used to be, but a normal where we were both happy. You smiled, Kira, during those few wonderful days we spent together – you and I, Lacus, Cagalli and the others. I saw you laugh. And I came so close to telling you the truth.

But you left just as things began to stir anew. I knew somehow that you would. You were always sweet and compassionate. War wasn't for you. It tore you into shreds, ripped out your kind heart and left you with nothing but haunting memories until the only thing you wanted to do was hide from it all. It left you with death on your shoulders. It's a burden that all who take part in war have to bear. You couldn't stand the weight of the disaster, the blood on your hands, so you went away.

Cagalli is still holding on. "Damn him, anyway," she says, "How can he be so selfish? If he wants to disappear, then let him!" But there is pain in her eyes, because she misses her brother.

We want you back, Kira. We all do. But I want you more. I want to tell you everything I couldn't. I want you to be happy. I have Dearka and Yzak, and all my good friends to look out for, but since you've gone away, the last spark of hope I had has gone out as well. You took it with you.

I just wish you had told me the reason why, even though I can guess what it was. I wish you had opened up to me more, told me your secrets, your hopes, your dreams. I wish you'd been able to pour out all your fears and let out all your sorrow, and I wish I could have been the one to wipe away your tears and hold you in my arms until everything bad in your world was banished. But you never told me any of that, even though we were so close to each other. It was only for a short amount of time, but you could have walked the bridge nonetheless. Instead you watched a while from your side, and then you went away.

I didn't cross the bridge either. Like I said, I don't think it can be crossed. It might have gotten shorter, if only I could have brought myself to make it so on that day, but I didn't.

I don't know where you are now, Kira. I know that very soon, my life is going to change. I can feel something coming, as if my job isn't yet finished and Destiny has something else in store for me. Whether my fate and yours intertwine, and whether the two of us are destined ever to meet again, I don't know. But I'd like to think so. And I'd like to think that when that day comes, Destiny will allow us both to cross that bridge.

If this war is going to keep going, I'll stay and fight. Not just for me, but for you, too. I'll fight so you don't have to. I hope you found somewhere you belong, Kira. Somewhere peaceful, with no war and no dying and no one to snatch your dreams out of your reach.

Whatever Destiny we both face, whatever bridge may come between us, I'll wait for you, and I'll hold on.

And when we meet again, whether it's in this world or the next, I will tell you what I never could.

"_I love you, Kira Yamato."_


End file.
